My recent sickle cell pain crisis took me to a dark place

I recently had a severe sickle cell pain crisis that forced me to go to the hospital for stronger medication than what I had at home. For the record, it’s been three years since that happened. Up until that point, all of my crises had been manageable at home.

After recovering from a crisis of this severity, I often experience amnesia about the events — as if they were so traumatic that I have to forget them to move forward.

A few days after this recent crisis began, however, I recorded my thoughts to document what was going through my mind. Looking back at the transcript, I realize how raw and dark my emotions were. It’s a stark contrast to the usual “make lemonade out of lemons” attitude I share in my public writing.

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A terrifying situation

A few weeks ago, I woke up at 2:30 a.m. and immediately felt that familiar pressure building throughout my body, accompanied by excruciating pain. The intensity of the crisis was a solid 10 out of 10. The pain seemed to be everywhere; my legs, my back, my arms, and my head were all under pressure. I couldn’t breathe.

Struggling for air, I took my most potent medications to try to alleviate some of the pain. When my friend asked if I wanted to go to the hospital, I didn’t hesitate. I’ve always given my medication time to work before seeking medical attention, but this time felt different. I knew the crisis was beyond what I could manage at home.

The pain and sensations were so intense, in fact, that I felt like death were calling me. But I wasn’t ready to die.

At that moment, I realized that medical care might help me hang on a little longer. At least, that was the hope. My friends helped carry me to the car, wrapping me in blankets to keep me warm. We knew the ambulance would take too long.

I’m so grateful to my support system for helping me through this, carrying me to the car, and ensuring I was as comfortable as possible. In and out of consciousness, I felt the weight of the burden I’d placed on them. Once again, I’d exposed my loved ones to the ugliness of what sickle cell disease can do. It’s never easy for them, and it’s never easy for me.

But I overcame those feelings because these people are my family, and family sees you at your best and your worst.

As I entered the hospital and was triaged, I tried to stay calm. I knew that the more I panicked, the worse the pain and fear would become. Maintaining my breathing and emotions felt impossible as the pain swirled throughout my body, never staying in one place.

I didn’t know if I was experiencing acute chest syndrome, a stroke, or just a full-body sickle cell crisis. It was terrifying.

I had to wait about an hour for a room, but it felt like longer. Eventually, I was moved to another room for testing. The doctors started me on an IV medication, which I technically had at home, but I trusted them to follow the right course of action. Slowly, the medication began to help. The pain started to ease, though the road ahead still felt long.

By the time morning arrived, after hours of treatment, the pain finally felt manageable. I left the hospital with my friends supporting me again, ensuring I had the necessary medications. While the potent drugs helped manage the pain, they also made me drowsy, causing my thoughts to blur.

All my commitments, work, meetings, therapy sessions, and appointments faded away in that state. All I could focus on was survival. It was a strange, disorienting place to be. I’m used to worrying about others and sticking to my commitments. Still, at that moment, I was a shell of myself, unable to function without support.

It was a complex crisis that reminded me of the heavy toll sickle cell takes on both body and mind. But I survived, and in the end, that’s what matters. Now it’s time to fully recover.

Note: Sickle Cell Disease News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Sickle Cell Disease News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to sickle cell disease.