My Mind Is Reeling After I Narrowly Avoided a Sickle Cell Crisis

Winter has arrived here in the U.K., and the end of the year is fast approaching. During this period, it becomes difficult to avoid things that can trigger a sickle cell pain crisis, including cold weather, stress, exhaustion, and an unbalanced diet. While some things are in my control, I can’t get rid of all my stress or change my environment.

As a result, I experienced a “pre-crisis” last week. This is what I call the sensation of incoming pain before I’m hit with a full-blown crisis. It’s almost like a sixth sense that warns me I’m doing too much. But if I intervene early enough with medication and rest, I can avoid a potential crisis.

In this instance, I had access to my medication and could rest and drink plenty of fluids. I lay in bed, anxious about which way the pendulum would swing. Would I have a crisis, or would I be able to return to my regular schedule the following day?

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In hindsight, I realize I was overwhelmed trying to accommodate all of my commitments and my work life. The pre-crisis sensation was a positive reminder to check in with myself. As a result, I cut back on some of my commitments and became more intentional about caring for my well-being.

While I was ultimately able to avoid a crisis, the experience still brought mental challenges.

On my good days, I tend to forget the pain of a crisis. I feel this is essential; otherwise, I’d live in constant fear of it. The pre-crisis sensation reminded me of the pain of my blood revolting against my body — a pain unlike any other.

Of course, the pre-crisis was only a warning of what could happen, but difficult memories and feelings still resurfaced for me.

When I experience a crisis, I fear my everyday routine. I fear doing too much, so I swing the opposite way and do nothing. I begin to withdraw and retreat to a safe space in my mind, absent of pain.

In this state, I have no desire to do anything that could cause me pain or stress. I’m not social or physically active. My emotions and thoughts spiral into chaos.

It’s suffocating to be trapped by fear of returning to that place.

Now that I’ve recognized this, the next step is to find a way to get the support I need. Unfortunately, averting the physical pain of a crisis ended up causing me mental pain. I’m slowly but surely trying to regain control and face my fears, but it hasn’t been easy with my triggers circling me.

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